Nisan 27, 2009, 05:50:53 ÖS
Am I in a Healthy Relationship?
What's in this article?
* It Feels Like Love - But Is It?
* What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
* What's an Unhealthy Relationship?
* Warning Signs
* Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?
It Feels Like Love - But Is It?
Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you — and who thinks you're right for him or her! So when it happens, you're usually so psyched that you don't even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn't do your reading to give you a pop quiz.
It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:
* Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.
* Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
I'm shy and scared about starting high school. What can I do to become less shy and try to make friends?
– Lily*
One of the best ways to get over shyness is to think of the things that make you nervous and then practice working on them. For example, if you want to start a conversation with a crush in your English class, you can practice in private the ways you'd do it if you weren't so shy. Just working on smiling and saying "hello" is a good start. Some people find it helps to rehearse in front of a mirror, similar to practicing lines for a play. This can help them feel more comfortable with a new approach.
Then you can start smiling and saying "hello" in real life. You might also try joining a group or team activity that interests you, like a sports team or the yearbook committee. Of course you'll feel anxious at first — that's perfectly normal. Remember that the more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll feel.
For more on this topic, check out the box below.
Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MD
How Can I Cope With My Dad's Death?
My dad died last year. I'm still so sad all the time. Is this ever going to get easier?
– David*
Recovering from this type of loss is a difficult process that takes time. There's no "right" amount of time to be sad, but the sadness will decrease over the months after the death of someone close.
An important thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone with your feelings and your pain. If you haven't already done so, just talking about it can help. Ask an adult to help you get in touch with a mental health professional who has experience working with teens who are coping with loss. You might also consider attending a support group meeting, where you can learn how other people like you are coping and adjusting.
For more on this topic, check out the box below.
Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MD
How Can I Deal With My Anger?
What's in this article? (click to view)
* When Tempers Flare
* Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness and Self-Control
* Getting Ready to Make a Change
* The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger
* Other Ways to Manage Anger
* When to Ask for Extra Help
When Tempers Flare
Your mom just told you there's no way she's letting you out of the house until you clean your room. What starts out as mild annoyance (now you'll be late for Chrissy's party) turns into red-hot anger as you pick up the magazines and dishes from your floor. How dare she? You're not a child! Before you know it, you've kicked a big dent in your closet door, broken a dish, and yelled at your sister. Now you're grounded for the whole weekend — plus, you feel terrible about the way you acted.
So why did you fly off the handle so quickly? And why are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry?
Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily. Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad.
No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain — you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how you handle it (and yourself) when you're angry.
Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness and Self-Control
Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop.
Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel, they just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking.
Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret.
Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.
Getting Ready to Make a Change
Deciding to get control of your anger — rather than letting it control you — means first taking a good hard look at the ways you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?
For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves.
Everyone can change — but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect? More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you want to make the change can help.
It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won't happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skill, like playing basketball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.
The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger
If something happens that makes you feel angry (like not being allowed to go to a party until you clean your room), this approach can help you manage your reaction. It's called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you'll do.
Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then answering them based on your particular situation. Let's take the example from the start of this article: Your mom has just told you to clean your room or stay home. You really want to go to that party. The red-hot anger starts building.
Here's what to do:
1) Identify the problem (self-awareness). Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what's making you upset so you can act rather than react.
Ask yourself: What's got me angry? What am I feeling and why? You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific. For example: "I'm really angry at Mom because she won't let me go to the party until I clean my room. It's not fair!" Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to go to the party.
Notice that this is not the same as saying, "Mom's so unfair to me." That statement doesn't identify the specific problem (that you can't go to the party until you clean your room) and it doesn't say how you're feeling (angry).
2) Think of potential solutions before responding (self-control). This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might react — but without reacting yet.
Ask yourself: What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in this situation you might think:
(a) I could yell at Mom and throw a fit.
(b) I could clean my room and then ask if I could go to the party.
(c) I could sneak out to the party anyway.
3) Consider the consequences of each solution (think it through). This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.
Ask yourself: What will happen for each one of these options? For example:
(a) Yelling at your mom may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.
(b) Cleaning your room takes work and you may get to the party late (but hey, arriving late may add to your mystique). With this option, you get to go to the party and your room's clean so you don't have to worry about it for a while.
(c) Sneaking out may seem like a real option in the heat of anger. But when you really think it through, it's pretty unlikely you'd get away with being gone for hours with no one noticing. And when you do get caught — look out!
4) Make a decision (pick one of your options). This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.
Ask yourself: What's my best choice? By the time you've thought it through, you're probably past yelling at your mom, which is a knee-jerk response. You may have also decided that sneaking out is too risky. Neither of these options is likely to get you to the party. So option (b) probably seems like the best choice.
Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.
5) Check your progress. After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.
Ask yourself: How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not? Am I satisfied with the choice I made? Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it's all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.
Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.
These five steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice over and over again.
Other Ways to Manage Anger
The five-step approach is good when you're in a particular situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action to take. But other things can help you manage anger too.
Try these things even if you're not mad right now to help prevent angry feelings from building up inside.
* Exercise. Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport. Lots of research has shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings.
* Listen to music (with your headphones on). Music has also been shown to change a person's mood pretty quickly. And if you dance, then you're exercising and it's a two-for-one.
* Write down your thoughts and emotions. You can write things in lots of ways; for example, in a journal or as your own poetry or song lyrics. After you've written it down, you can keep it or throw it away — it doesn't matter. The important thing is, writing down your thoughts and feelings can improve how you feel. When you notice, label, and release feelings as they show up in smaller portions, they don't have a chance to build up inside.
* Draw. Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too.
* Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, as it's more of an overall stress management technique that can help you use self-control when you're mad. If you do this regularly, you'll find that anger is less likely to build up.
* Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times there are other emotions, such as fear or sadness, beneath anger. Talking about them can help.
* Distract yourself. If you find yourself stewing about something and just can't seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your mind past what's bugging you — watch TV, read, or go to the movies.
These ideas can be helpful for two reasons:
1. They help you cool down when you feel like your anger might explode. When you need to cool down, do one or more of the activities in the list above. Think of these as alternatives to taking an action you'll regret, such as yelling at someone. Some of them, like writing down feelings, can help you release tension and begin the thinking process at the same time.
2. They help you manage anger in general. What if there's no immediate problem to solve — you simply need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you're angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are.
How Can I Get My Grandparents to Stop Frustrating Me?
I am starting to be frustrated with my grandparents. I hate it when my grandmother fusses at me, and my step-grandfather is constantly checking on me. It annoys me a lot. How can I get them to stop?
– Mark*
Overprotective parents and grandparents can be frustrating. You're growing older and developing your own identity, and sometimes this maturation happens before the adults in your life are prepared to deal with it.
When your grandparents (and parents) are always in your business, it can feel like they don't trust you. One of the best ways to establish trust and gain some independence is to talk openly with your grandparents about how you feel. Find out where they're coming from — you may get a few "back in the day" comments, but you'll also gain some understanding of why they're acting the way they are. Hopefully you can then find some middle ground to agree on. Dealing with conflict in a mature way will help show that you are ready for increased levels of trust and responsibility.
For more on this topic, check out the box below.
Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MD
How Can I Help Someone Who's Being Bullied?
A girl in my class is constantly being bullied because she's overweight. Is there anything I can to do help her?
– Diana*
With bullying, the most important thing to keep in mind is safety. Though you might not want to tell on a bully, if you think your classmate is in physical danger, contact an adult immediately.
One of the most helpful things you can do is to try talking to your classmate to see what's going on. To a person being bullied, just knowing that someone else is supportive and willing to listen can make a big difference.
You might be able to help your classmate boost her self-esteem so she can react to the bullying in a healthy way. Certain tactics may help stop bullies, like ignoring them, using humor, and not resorting to violence. You can also step in if you hear others bullying your classmate and stand up for her by telling them that the way they're treating her is wrong.
For more on this topic, check out the box below.
Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MD
How Can I Help Someone Who's Being Bullied?
A girl in my class is constantly being bullied because she's overweight. Is there anything I can to do help her?
– Diana*
With bullying, the most important thing to keep in mind is safety. Though you might not want to tell on a bully, if you think your classmate is in physical danger, contact an adult immediately.
One of the most helpful things you can do is to try talking to your classmate to see what's going on. To a person being bullied, just knowing that someone else is supportive and willing to listen can make a big difference.
You might be able to help your classmate boost her self-esteem so she can react to the bullying in a healthy way. Certain tactics may help stop bullies, like ignoring them, using humor, and not resorting to violence. You can also step in if you hear others bullying your classmate and stand up for her by telling them that the way they're treating her is wrong.
For more on this topic, check out the box below.
Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MD
içimdeki tüm putlarý kýrdým ve sana yöneldim Rabbim...
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-Fussilet-
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